Guess who was watching the History Channel today?

I know it’s hilariously wrong to advertise like this, but I would donate to a campaign that ran political commercials like this, just saying, know what I’m saying, know what I mean? Ya hear?

Word to the wise: I’m boring and stupid. Go away from this website and never look back lest ye be haunted by these condescending eyes.

TERMINATOR
    “Come with me if you want to live!”

    [Cue theme drumbeat, pan out to show DERP-1000 is now a mere cog in a wave of robots swarming the earth randomly shooting at each other in a paranoid frenzy of mass confusion.]

So I got a combination scanner/printer as a gift from some friends over six months ago, and this is the second thing I’ve scanned with it.

The ink is sitting on the desk, four cartridges of it. One of those cartridges is low. I have no idea which one but the machine insists I replace it before it will even consider using any of the other three. The ink cartridges operate as a gang looking out for each other, only when one member gets shot the entire gang implodes in disarray. This is called good business strategy by the people at Epson.

Every time I start searching online for the price of replacement ink I somehow keep ending up on forums about how over-priced printer ink is, and compelling arguments about how the printing cartel is trying to enslave us all in an elaborate ink plot… and I put it off yet another day. You can’t be too careful when it comes to shadow organizations trying to enslave you in the year 2012.

Using the scanner is free though (minus electricity, paper and my time), so there’s probably no excuse.

Except there is always an excuse.

America will be great, meow and forever.

UPDATE AFTER MANY DAYS OF WANDERING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD: Mister Cat’s SuperPAC “SuperMEW” has released an image of his litter box today in honor of his commitment to eradicating the mice scourge (you didn’t think they vanish into thin air, did you brother?).

And great news! Mister Cat will be rubbing up against voters’ legs later this week in [your primary state]. Be sure to head down and support Mister Cat and his just-released mew-mew-mew plan.

So here’s my theory on Star Trek poop (and it will give you something to think about the next time you poop, which you will):

I have seen it discussed that crew members can either transport the waste material out of their bowels or use a proper bathroom facility (that has been beaten to death in funnier comics). Now the real question is: where does all the space poop go? Do they dump it in space casually splattering half the galaxy in brown paint? Drop it off at the nearest lower class planetary sanitation station where it is worshiped as mana from the sky gods?

No, they break it down into the base molecules and recycle it on board… back into food.

This is why dinner conversations in the ten forward mess hall are filled with social awkwardness, punctuated by episode after episode of ridiculous and extravagant concoctions being asked of the magical food replicator — This is merely a coping mechanism to take their minds off the fact that they are eating reconstituted shit.

Even Captain Jean Luc Picard (firm in his discipline of only ever ordering “tea, Earl Grey, hot” himself from the infernal machines) was often prone to realizing he was drinking number one’s number two. And he would often grimace in the horrendous reality of the forced fecal sustenance as his flying toilet seat silently slid through the universe.

As they say: garbage in, garbage out.

UPDATE AFTER MANY BIOMASS RECLAMATION CYCLES: I found the original Star Trek poop joke inspiration for my commentary, so I will begrudgingly link to a competing comic site (the most hated thing on earth is competition) only to point out how stupid things are in the comments.

As he should be. Butters is a fascist and responds strongly to authority.

You can thank the ghostly flatulence of Chris Farley for this year’s mild winter in the USA.

For the full retelling of my 1996 encounter with Chris Farley, all you need to know is: 1) I merely (and unwittingly, don’t prosecute me you pigs) delivered a package that I soon found out was full of marijuana 2) He threw a pen at me 3) I still have not washed the spot where it hit me to this day 4) You may touch it.

PS- If you’re a Tosh.0 fan I hope you have a seizure.

PUBLIC NOTICE 2 TEH PUBLIC PEEPS REPUBLIC OV TEH INTERWEBS ON LIBERTYSUCKERS REFUSAL 2 SHUT DOWN OVAR SOPA/PIPA/CENSOR-BS-9000:

NO – WE WONT CRIPPLE OURSELVEZ WHEN FIGHTIN TEH CORRUPTIV FORCEZ OV EVIL (RUN COMPANY AN U WILL UNDERSTAND WUT THEY R). THOUGH WE DO FIND IT NEWSWORTHY AN AMUSIN WHEN OTHERS DO (4 LIEK TWELVE HOURS, WHICH LAZY PEEPS TOOK AS HINT 2 GO WATCH TV WHILE TEH NERDZ FIGURE DIS COMPLICATD STUFF OUT).

YEZ – WE LUV ANARCHY ON TEH INTERNET (WELCOM 2 2012, UR REPLICATOR IZ ALMOST HUR), BUT WE ALSO LUV WHEN US TECHNOGEEKZ/PIRATEZ/CYBERFREEDOMWARRIORS REACT BY OFFERIN NON-GUBMENT SOLUSHUNS 4 PUBLIC EDUMACASHUN AN FREEDOM AN JUSTICE 4 ALL INSTEAD OV STOOPIN 2 TEH SIZE/POWR POLITICS GAME OURSELVEZ. WERE WATCHIN KEENLY AS TEH NEW PLAYERS ASSERT THEMSELVEZ, AN WE STILL KNOE WUT IZ AN WUT ISNT.

STAY TRUE 2 UR INNOVATIV STREAK, KEEP SCRATCHIN TEH ITCH!

SINCERELY,
TEH CUTEST ANGRIEST KITTEH HANGIN IN THAR

The history of Cleveland’s “Insane Asylum” (a.k.a. Northern Ohio Lunatic Asylum, Newburgh State Hospital, Cleveland Developmental Center, Cleveland State Hospital) is checkered, to say the least. Pictures of the asylum make it a doppelganger of Arkam Asylum in damn near every Batman depiction out there, Gothic spires and all.

I bet they got the same guy to design a bunch of early asylums and and then the lamers all copied him for cheaper. They should have passed SOPA back then so he could sue the fuck out of them. That would have shown those building design stealing bastards who was the smartest architect out there. Then he could slowly buy up the copyrights to all gothic designs. Eventually with enough time and determination, he could have become the de facto owner of the gothic brand. Then, sue the fuck out of anyone who depicted it in motion pictures, like those asshole Warner Brothers.

I have another map (from this year, but artisan nonetheless) that shows a marker for BP’s Deepwater Horizon wreckage. I was a bit disappointed BLIND WITH RAGE it did not show Guantanamo Bay prison though, as Cuba’s South East tip is cropped off. Neither of those seem like ideal landmarks of interest to tourist families and more like the cartographer’s statement of fact in shameful, serifed type. Good, fuck those fuckers.

You can thank the the shitty quality on an iPod camera, even after all this “enhancing” it looks like complete ass.

PS- I have no idea why comments stopped working, but it made me realize it was a divine sign of chaos wanting me to leave it that way. You just need to get the fuck back behind the yellow line because I’m busy building black holes here.

PPS – THROW YOUR COMPUTER ON THE GROUND FOR LAUGHS! DO IT.

This form is for real, so I pre-filled it out for everyone with this rare condition called “lol, not today fucker.” Symptoms include freedom to travel without restriction, lowered anxiety around large groups of people, and a general contempt for security theatrics.

I hereby use my angry warlock internet powers to decree that “Meth: not even once” is now officially re-purposed as “Mitt: not even once” rage/meme comic source material.

Bonus points if you make a comic while actually high on meth (after you clean your house, arrange your video games chronologically, and rip some copper wire out of an abandoned house for the next fix, of course).

I made this because of Darryl Perry’s post at Hammer of Truth about the “balanced budget amendment” that’s being bandied about and turns out to be a complete sham (those quotes are because it’s a bullshit name). Why would it be any other way? We’re number one in corruption… USA! USA! USA! USA!

You and I could become politicians and fix all this, but you and I don’t have big corruption money — so that campaign would be lost before it was started.

Funny side note: I had to Google this brand to make sure this magazine was not real or anything… after I made this picture of course. I get a lot of cease and desist lies poured on me sometimes by lawyers. Luckily the only thing that came up is Spin Magazine, which is magazine about public relations or something. I don’t know.

Extra side note: The idea of attribution + tag-along is lost on me, go ahead and think that >:(

But this video will do the trick. Embedded below is the SUPER ZAPRUDER SLO-MO VERSION… so your anger can get all that slo-mo action.

It’s hard to be angry at idiots, but GO AHEAD ANYWAY!

They aren’t so optional when the weather sucks.

Too casual? Not at all.

Wolf image by Lee Vanwallene, who will look directly in your eyes and continue fapping.

I has spoken, if you understands what I says say “Aye!”

If you has a broken keyboard, say “weklkdms&^doivewrm8.”

As much shit as Microsoft Xbox Live gets for their account auto-renewal stupidity, you’d think they’d go out of their way to NOT piss off gamers with it after the umpteenth complaint. Gamers who typically have plenty of free time to fuck with them and run their credibility into the ground.

If you thought that, you’d be wrong… so instead I will let the free market bitchslap them in the face with their cocks, adoy.

UPDATE *ONE* DAY LATER: The horrific unthinkable thing has happened, my XBL account was hacked. Check out the damage:

That’s a total of 10,000 Microsoft Points, in 6K and 4K bundles. I managed to intercept the play and notify the fraud department before anything worse happened (I’m hoping at this point, who the fuck knows).

Welp, now I have a locked XBL account so I am playing this no-so-fun game called Chargeback the Credit Card (2011). It’s so linear, and the reward is not being fucked in the ass and having your money stolen. It took 20 seconds to authorize the money but I was told it will take 7-15 days before it will be reversed while they investigate. Awesome.

And people wonder why I’m so angry (at Microsoft).

UPDATE 8/5: Things have transpired and I will soon tell you the fun story of a kid and his stolen money. I will illustrate thing for you as best worst I can in a future linked comic. The best inspiration my hell on planet earth comes from my random run-ins with retarded bureaucracies (a language I understand, sadly).

PS- I just walked away from this update and killed a fly in under 10 minutes without using a fly swatter. Speedy is possible when you embrace any endeavor with zeal and intelligence.

No really, I was.

Want to be really really really angry today?

Read this: http://thehill.com/blogs/floor-action/house/159929-gop-seeks-six-year-extension-of-patriot-act-surveillance

Portal 2 has convinced me that we will eventually be able to transfer our consciousness and terrible habits into robot bodies. Michigan can have their crazy experiment-obsessed robots, here in Ohio our robots will be really fun and relaxed, but also prone to anger if you try to drug-test them.

You’re probably too stupid to know this: I really like to draw robots, mostly because it is really easy.

HELLO ANGRY INTERNET PERSON,

This is an important announcement to confirm that I will roundhouse kick anyone who tries to touch the exquisite and adored genitalia. If I had wanted to choose a life of porn, I wouldn’t start at the airport, I had plenty of opportunity for that kind of thing but it’s not for me. My angry junk will remain covered by an angry fig leaf.

But you know, trying to turn the TSA checkpoints into some kind of pervert and pedophile play land is about a billion times worse. I’m not sure every photo from the pornoscanners doesn’t goes directly to Michael Chertoff’s porn collection — where he’s covertly running the largest pedo image database for all these sicko, though the evidence is abundant.

This nigga (I can say that, my junk is black) in the oval office is truly crazy if he thinks Americans won’t violently rebel to the checkpoint society — as indignation piles upon indignation, a more agitated nation pressed closer than ever together. We may be divided and re-homogenized more efficiently than in the history of all our black asses, but terrism ain’t nothing but a strategy, not an enemy.

As Snoop Dogg famously said, “if you kill a fly, the next day another motherfucking one will be flyin’ around.”

This untimely installment of Angry Little Comic is a cheap, dirty, underimaginative ripoff of David Rees’s RelationShapes. If you parody an artist who parodies other artists, does anyone give a fuck? Well, let’s at least stave off a lawsuit by sending a CYA email that could double as a potentially cheap way to ride the coat tails of someone way more famous:

Mr. Rees,

I saw a friend’s food porn on facebook and immediately set on making this in homage to you, the Great and Enigmatic (and pencil sharpening) David Rees (sucking up).

This email is to say: “Don’t sue me, I know you’re all rich and famous now and can hire hitmen in suits. Your power and influence is an inspiration to me.”

But seriously, don’t fucking sue me.

UPDATED MANY DECADES AFTER THREATS OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT LAWSUITS:

This is amazing! Thanks for sending.

I trust you will enjoy hearing from my many lawyers in the next few days.

Best wishes,
David Rees

I have yet to receive a legal notice, so we can safely assume Mr. Rees is a lying liar. Either that or it got caught in my spam filter (good luck serving notice papers to our offshore holdings office).

This is mostly in response to some faggy stuff he recently said.

Also, LOL: